100+ Funny Golf Quotes To Make Your Day
Welcome to the world of “Funny Golf Quotes,” where the greens are always filled with laughter and the fairways are adorned with chuckles. Golf may require precision and patience, but let’s be honest, sometimes those long walks in pursuit of a small white ball can result in some pretty amusing moments.
Whether you’re an experienced pro who has witnessed it all or a casual player aiming to improve, these quotes will serve as a reminder that every round brings its fair share of smiles and giggles.
So grab your clubs, tee up, and prepare to indulge in a lighthearted perspective on the game we all find joy in laughing about.
Best Funny Golf Quotes
#1
“I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.” – Gerald Ford
#2
“The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight.” – Ben Hogan
#3
“I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s golf game: It’s called an eraser.” – Arnold Palmer
#4
“Golf is a game where the ball always lies poorly, and the player always lies well.”
#5
“The most important shot in golf is the next one.” – Ben Hogan
#6
“Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.” – P.J. O’Rourke
#7
“I never pray to God to make a putt. I pray to God to help me react good if I miss a putt.” – Chi Chi Rodriguez
#8
“May the course be with you.”
#9
“Swing hard in case you hit it!” – Dan Marino
#10
“Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.” – Jim Bishop
#11
“The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.” – Billy Graham
#12
“Golf is a game in which you yell ‘fore,’ shoot six, and write down five.” – Paul Harvey
#13
“I don’t let birdies and pars get in the way of having a good time.”
#14
“Golf’s three ugliest words: still your shot.”
#15
“My golf score seems to improve considerably when I go without a scorecard.”
#16
“If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” – Jack Lemmon
#17
“Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.”
#18
“The problem with golf is that the slow groups are always in front of you, and the fast groups are always behind you.”
#19
“A ‘gimme’ can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well.”
#20
“Golf is not a game of good shots. It’s a game of bad shots.” – Ben Hogan
#21
“A good golfer has the determination to win and the patience to wait for the breaks.” – Gary Player
#22
“I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open, looking for answers. Just like I do with my golf game.”
#23
“The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie once it’s been seen by anyone.” – Will Rogers
#24
“Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.” – Robin Williams
#25
“Golf is what you play when you’re too out of shape to play softball.”
#26
“The only thing that scares me more than a three-foot putt is having to use my cell phone during a thunderstorm on a golf course.”
#27
“There is no such thing as a natural touch. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls.” – Lee Trevino
#28
“Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose.” – Winston Churchill
#29
“Golf is a game in which you yell ‘fore,’ shoot six, and write down five.” – Paul Harvey
#30
“Golf is a good walk spoiled.” – Mark Twain
#31
“I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s game: it’s called an eraser.” – Arnold Palmer, the King of golf and comedy apparently.
#32
“It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.” – Hank Aaron (Professional Baseball Player)
#33
“Nobody but you and your caddy care what you do out there, and if your caddy is betting against you, he doesn’t care either.” – Lee Trevino
#35
“They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken.” – Raymond Floyd
Funny Quotes About Golf
#36
“Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.”
#37
“The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flagstick on top.” – Pete Dye
#38
“Golf is like a love affair. If you don’t take it seriously, it’s no fun; if you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart.” – Arthur Daley
#39
“You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work” – Lee Trevino
#40
“I don’t fear death, but I sure don’t like those three-footers for par.” – Chi Chi Rodriguez
#41
“Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly, and the players well.” – Art Rosenbaum
#42
“They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. It’s more complicated than that.” – Gardner Dickinson
#43
“The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.” – Phyllis Diller
#44
“If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.” – Bob Hope
#45
“Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I’ve played the game for 50 years and I still haven’t the slightest idea of how to play.” – Gary Player
#46
“Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.” – Unknown
#47
“Golf is the only sport where a player pays for every mistake. A man can muff a serve in tennis, miss a strike in baseball, or throw an incomplete pass in football and still have another chance. In golf, every swing counts.” – Tony Lema
#48
“I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.” – Lee Trevino
#49
“But in the end it’s still a game of golf, and if at the end of the day you can’t shake hands with your opponents and still be friends, then you’ve missed the point.” ‒ Payne Stewart.
#50
“I don’t play golf to feel bad, I play bad golf, but I feel good.” – Henry Beard
#51
“Hell I’m going to make so much money this year, my caddy will make the top twenty money-winners list.” – Lee Trevino
#52
“Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them.” – Roy ‘Tin Cup’ McAvoy, the greatest that never was.
#53
“Golf tips are like aspirin. One may do you good, but if you swallow the whole bottle you will be lucky to survive.” – Harvey Penick (Professional Golfer)
#54
“Why chase you when I’m the catch?”
#55
“If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.” — Dean Martin, need we say more?
#56
“Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.” – James Murray (Actor)
#57
The only time I talk on the golf course is to my caddy. And then only to complain when he has given me the wrong club. – Seve Ballesteros (PGA Hall of Fame Golfer)
#58
“Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.” – William Wordsworth
#59
“Golf is a game where guts, stick-to-itiveness and blind devotion will always net you absolutely nothing but an ulcer.” – Tommy Bolt
#60
“The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest golf cart never has to play the bad lie.” – Mickey Mantle, owner of one of the sweetest swings in baseball, not so much in golf.
#61
“Golf is a fascinating game. It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I can’t play it.” – Ted Ray
#62
“Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.” ‒ Jim Murray.
#63
“Golf is the infallible test. The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well.” ‒ P.G. Wodehouse.
#64
“Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.” – Jack Benny
#65
“If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they’d starve to death.” – Sam Snead
#66
“I know you can be fined for throwing a club, but I want to know if you can get fined for throwing a caddy.” – Tommy Bolt, US Open Champion 1958
#67
“I’ve spent most of my life golfing – the rest I’ve just wasted.”
#68
“To find a man’s true character, play golf with him.” – P.G. Wodehouse
#69
“My golf game is improving – I miss the ball much closer now.”
#70
“The mind messes up more shots than the body.” – Tommy Bolt
More Funny Golf Quote
“After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the PGA Tour. Like the last time I asked my caddy for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.” – Chi Chi Rodriquez, PGA Hall of Fame
#72
“My handicap? Woods and irons.”
#73
“Golf: A plague invented by the Calvinistic Scots as a punishment for man’s sins.”
#74
“It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.” — Mark Twain
#75
“You know what the game of golf is, don’t you? It’s basketball for people who can’t jump and chess for people who can’t think.” – Tom Robbins (Author)
#76
“Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill-adapted for the purpose.” – Woodrow Wilson
#77
“Golf has probably kept more people sane than psychiatrists have.” ‒ Harvey Penick.
#78
“Golf is not a great sport. If you can smoke and drink while you’re doin’ it, it’s not a sport.” – Michael Connelly
#79
“I was lying ten and had a thirty-five-foot putt. I whispered over my shoulder, how does this one break? My caddie says Who cares! “– Jack Lemmon, Actor & Comedian
#80
“Golf is a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.”
#81
“If you want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.”
#82
“I like my golf score like I like my burger: in the 70s with a nice slice.”
#83
“A good golfer has the determination to win and the patience to wait for the breaks.” – Gary Player
#84
“A ‘gimme’ can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well.”
#85
“The problem with golf is that the slow groups are always in front of you, and the fast groups are always behind you.”
#86
“Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do.” – Bruce Crampton
#87
“I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I’d spent about half the day in the woods.” – Jeff Foxworthy
#88
“If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron, not even God can hit a 1-iron.” – Lee Trevin
#89
“On being asked before the final round what he needed to shoot to win the tournament – ‘the rest of the field.” – Roger Maltbie
#90
“If profanity influenced the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.” – Horace G. Hutchinson
#91
“My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.” – Lord Robertson of Port Ellen, UK Politician
#92
May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.” ‒ Ben Hogan.
Golf Quotes Funny
#93
“The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one – particularly if he plays golf, which he usually does.” – Bertrand Russell
#94
“Why am I using a new putter? Because the old one didn’t float too well.” – Craig Stadler
#95
“The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top.” – Pete Dye
#96
“I went to play golf to try and shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.” – Bob Hope
#97
“The main idea in golf as in life, I suppose is to learn to accept what cannot be altered” ‒ Bobby Jones.
#98
“Selecting a stroke is like selecting a wife. To each his own.” – Ben Hogan
#99
“The golf swing is like a suitcase in which we are trying to pack one too many things.” – John Updike
#100
“A well hit golf shot is a feeling that goes up the shaft, right through your hands and into your heart.” – Ben Hogan
#101
“Golf is an easy game…It’s just hard to play.“
#103
“The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf – it’s almost a law.” – H.G. Wells
#104
“There are three roads to ruin: women, gambling, and golf. The most pleasant is with women, the quickest is with gambling, but the surest is with golf.” – Andrew Perry, Sportswriter
#105
“I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose.” ‒ Gerald R. Ford.
#106
“Nothing dissects a man in public quite like golf.” – Brent Musburger
As we conclude our journey through the wonderful world of “Funny Golf Quotes,” remember that every swing, putt, and divot presents an opportunity for happiness—even when the ball doesn’t land where you intended.
Golf is a game filled with both small frustrations and triumphs, and it is this rollercoaster of emotions that keeps us returning for more. So, the next time you find yourself on the course and things aren’t going as planned, simply laugh it off with a witty remark and a smile.
After all, in the great game of golf, a sense of humor is the most valuable asset you can have.
Keep swinging, keep laughing, and most importantly, keep enjoying the game.
